Kalgoorlie, Western Australia.
Hi people. The audiences, I believe no one reading this anymore so I am writing for my publicly published life diary.
Life update, I have moved away from Melbourne, the city I have lived in since 2016. I have been living in Kalgoorlie for the past 3 weeks and so far enjoying it (half of this is a lie). 8 years ago, I came to Melbourne carrying over a heavy burden/trauma that I am still recovering from. I will most likely never get over of this trauma, the invisible scar will permanently there. Without getting into too much detail, it was on accepting myself and being my total self. Until this second I am still neither 100% accepting who I am nor knowing who I really am as an existing human being. It is a journey I am taking and will take my whole life if I may. We are not in a rush, I am enjoying the progress and every steps life offer. In the past year, the journey got intensified and I have been seeking of who I am. two hours ago I saw photos of myself before I moved to Melbourne, and I looked happier, more relaxed and did not take life too seriously. My 7 years in Melbourne, I was living life too safely, avoiding pains, discomfort, staying away from the real world really. I was still growing, but seems my personal awareness was reversing backward. I was lost. being in relationship did not help as I was too focusing on the other person and shaping my future based on what I think my partner wants, neglecting my own needs and built a fortress around my feelings not even myself can access them anymore. the past year I was trying to know who I am and embracing myself much more. being kind and honest to everyone.
Why have I moved to Kalgoorlie? A mining town 700 km away from Perth, far, far away from Melbourne. I want to move away from Melbourne, anywhere I can get away to be myself, be independent.
I have been missing Melbourne in the past week. I miss my tennis mates, my other tennis mates from Victennis, my pilates classes, my routine, and my "past 7 years of life" that I left behind. Being back in contact with my ex does not help either. I detest this feeling of unknown, something I cannot control, putting my feelings on the line again to the same person who have caused my intense suffering, unbearably distressing situation last year. I would rather die, I said to myself that time. But then I know I am a resilient person, some says I am stubborn, I want to look what life can offer me beside this relationship bullshit. I am extremely furious about the situation and I needed to channel the energy to something beneficial for myself. I tried meditation and it does helped on my view to life. I let go most of the negative feelings and use the rest to push myself harder to get better life. Then I know I want to do much better in life, be independent and get my life goals sorted and start to work on them. I forgot I have ambitions in life. I forgot to be competitive and reach my goal. I forgot to live life.
If I am being frank to myself, I moved to Melbourne mainly for a boy/man. I do love the city but it was not the wisest move to get my career started there. Melbourne is not known as the place for engineers to start their career. People moved to rural towns to do so. I have been thinking about the "what if" lately. Anyway, I am being outside of my comfort zone now. Living in a new town, does not know anyone except one person. Far away from the hustle and bustle of a city, it does bother me a bit. I quite like walking by myself in the crowd, but then thinking about it, I was also alone there. It was more like alone together. I do feel a bit lonely here. Work has been quite taxing with the long hours, but it is very much interesting and I do have goals I want to achieve career wise in the next couple of years. I know I can get through this. I just need to embrace the discomfort and grow better.
This is just a beginning, I will keep working on my dream. Own that house I have been dreaming of in Melbourne. Open that hybrid pastry shop/cafe/bookshop I always wanted to own, keep challenge myself and do what other people think I cannot do. It gives me extra motivation to reach my dream when people do not think I can do certain things or it is unreasonable. I am being stubborn but I still listen and take notes on what I can improve. I value people being honest with me on how I goes, as temporary discomfort is much better than never knowing where/what I can improve.
Bonne nuit mes amis. Je te verrai le prochaine fois. J'adore parle français, mais ma vocabulaire n'est pas beacoup encore. Peut-être a mon prochaine article, je peux poster en français. J'adore mon nouvelle vie a nouvelle ville.
Bisous xx
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