Embracing, actively seeking discomfort and being open to new ideas and perspectives (23 March 2024)

 Kalgoorlie, Western Australia.

Hi people. The audiences, I believe no one reading this anymore so I am writing for my publicly published life diary. 

Life update, I have moved away from Melbourne, the city I have lived in since 2016. I have been living in Kalgoorlie for the past 3 weeks and so far enjoying it (half of this is a lie). 8 years ago, I came to Melbourne carrying over a heavy burden/trauma that I am still recovering from. I will most likely never get over of this trauma, the invisible scar will permanently there. Without getting into too much detail, it was on accepting myself and being my total self. Until this second I am still neither 100% accepting who I am nor knowing who I really am as an existing human being. It is a journey I am taking and will take my whole life if I may. We are not in a rush, I am enjoying the progress and every steps life offer. In the past year, the journey got intensified and I have been seeking of who I am. two hours ago I saw photos of myself before I moved to Melbourne, and I looked happier, more relaxed and did not take life too seriously. My 7 years in Melbourne, I was living life too safely, avoiding pains, discomfort, staying away from the real world really. I was still growing, but seems my personal awareness was reversing backward. I was lost. being in relationship did not help as I was too focusing on the other person and shaping my future based on what I think my partner wants, neglecting my own needs and built a fortress around my feelings not even myself can access them anymore. the past year I was trying to know who I am and embracing myself much more. being kind and honest to everyone.

Why have I moved to Kalgoorlie? A mining town 700 km away from Perth, far, far away from Melbourne. I want to move away from Melbourne, anywhere I can get away to be myself, be independent.

I have been missing Melbourne in the past week. I miss my tennis mates, my other tennis mates from Victennis, my pilates classes, my routine, and my "past 7 years of life" that I left behind. Being back in contact with my ex does not help either. I detest this feeling of unknown, something I cannot control, putting my feelings on the line again to the same person who have caused my intense suffering, unbearably distressing situation last year. I would rather die, I said to myself that time. But then I know I am a resilient person, some says I am stubborn, I want to look what life can offer me beside this relationship bullshit. I am extremely furious about the situation and I needed to channel the energy to something beneficial for myself. I tried meditation and it does helped on my view to life. I let go most of the negative feelings and use the rest to push myself harder to get better life. Then I know I want to do much better in life, be independent and get my life goals sorted and start to work on them. I forgot I have ambitions in life. I forgot to be competitive and reach my goal. I forgot to live life.

If I am being frank to myself, I moved to Melbourne mainly for a boy/man. I do love the city but it was not the wisest move to get my career started there. Melbourne is not known as the place for engineers to start their career. People moved to rural towns to do so. I have been thinking about the "what if" lately. Anyway, I am being outside of my comfort zone now. Living in a new town, does not know anyone except one person. Far away from the hustle and bustle of a city, it does bother me a bit. I quite like walking by myself in the crowd, but then thinking about it, I was also alone there. It was more like alone together. I do feel a bit lonely here. Work has been quite taxing with the long hours, but it is very much interesting and I do have goals I want to achieve career wise in the next couple of years. I know I can get through this. I just need to embrace the discomfort and grow better.

This is just a beginning, I will keep working on my dream. Own that house I have been dreaming of in Melbourne. Open that hybrid pastry shop/cafe/bookshop I always wanted to own, keep challenge myself and do what other people think I cannot do. It gives me extra motivation to reach my dream when people do not think I can do certain things or it is unreasonable. I am being stubborn but I still listen and take notes on what I can improve. I value people being honest with me on how I goes, as temporary discomfort is much better than never knowing where/what I can improve.

Bonne nuit mes amis. Je te verrai le prochaine fois. J'adore parle français, mais ma vocabulaire n'est pas beacoup encore. Peut-être a mon prochaine article, je peux poster en français. J'adore mon nouvelle vie a nouvelle ville.

Bisous xx

5th August 2023

 My family is here in Melbourne, and they are going back tomorrow. My ex just texted me this evening, said that he know my family is here and wished me to enjoy my time with my family. He just dropped of several boxes of most of my belongings, as it would be helpful for me being packed up and delivered them and help him to tidy up as well.

This does confuses me what is actually in his mind? Why he takes months to do return my stuffs? I know I should have done take my belongings earlier, but I was not 100% sure if I want to end this relationship with him even though I know in the end he cheated on me. I still believe in him. Does this this mean he is over me?

Life is tough, I need to hang on and move forward. I do still think of him everyday, hard to admit it. I do want to move on, but part of me still holding on to the past, does not want to let it go. What we had was real, I know I was not being my best version for years, but I am capable of being better, I am working on this everyday. Thinking about where should I live is also daunting as I cannot live at his relative's house forever, but also I need to consider the financial aspect of living by myself. Being an adult (gay asian man) in a foreign country is tough, but challenge is a privilege and I live in this beautiful country which accepting me of who I am, even though I can still feel that I can be discriminated by my looks or my sexuality. I will make these as my fuel to be a better and successful person. I know I do not want to be stuck here, we will see where the future brings.

9th July 2023

 Bonsoir mes amis,

aujourd'hui j'aimerais parler de mon weekend.

This weekend has been quite eventful. I had a busy weekend; on Saturday had brunch with Victor who was back in Melbourne visiting with his fiancé, volunteering for French Bastille day in the afternoon and hang around the city for a bit to spend time with myself. On Sunday (today) I woke up early (-er compared to my usual weekend) to go to Ian Potter centre to see the launch of "Letters from Ger" exhibition at NGV Australia, then back to Bastille day event (had my galletes!) then to celebrate Eid Adha with my queer friends at Victorian Pride Centre.

Friday night after work, went to see Alex to play tennis at Carlton garden, he said the club is good, might fit me if I would like to play there every now and then. We had dinner first at a Korean restaurant near Chinatown, it was pretty good. I have not had Korean food since I had one with James ages ago. I forgot how good it is, we ordered fried chicken to share as well as my beef galbi. We chatted for too long, it was already past 9 PM and we decided to skip tennis (so much for exercising). Finished dinner, then we went for a walk around the city before decided to go to an European night market at Mme Brussels lane. It was alright, the food selection was good but most of them closed by the time we arrived. Walked passed hte pierogi stall and they offered us a free plate full of pierogis to share!! I was full at the time (so did Alex) but we still grab it as it was free otherwise the food will go to bin :(. Pierogis tasted delicious, huge portion, one side seems to be curried pierogi and the other side is more traditional, served with sour cream, pickles and fried onions. Yum! we continued our journey and our last destination for the night is a gelato shop! Yay who does not love a good gelato. The place called "Kariton Sorbetes", had soo many unusual flavours I was so excited to try their pandan and durian ones. Got that and tasted great. definitely will come back, the place also looked aesthetically pleasant, as people says "instagrammable".

Saturday morning I did not feel the best when I woke up around 9AM, I felt like I did not sleep enough, went to bed late (1.30 AM) got home late, then scrolling instagram endlessly (bad habit especially before bed, I need to fix this ASAP) and watching Wimbledon. Anyway, I woke up got a message from Victor where we should go for Brunch, I have not got any idea on where to go yet! I said to him "give me 30 mins to get ready then I will continue the conversation" then I ran to get a quick shower and thinking any good brunch cafe around the CBD area. I decided to drive into the city because it is quicker and more convenient (in other words I got lazy catching public transport). I decided to go to Le Bajo as it is in North Melbourne and I can get parking easier in that area. I parked in the 15 mins zone (got fined for $96!!) because I parked there from 12PM, only 15 minutes more than allowed. That is life, these things happen and I cannot be lucky all the time can I? I was bitter about that for 1 minute then I am fine. will pay that soon this week. Anyway we went to the cafe, waited in line for 15 mins and got a seat at the bar. I ordered magic coffee which apparently it used to be the secret menu in most cafes in Melbourne. I only know this perhaps in the past 5 months after living in Melbourne for 7 years. Visiting cafes makes me want to buy those sexy looking la marzocco coffee machine that cost about eight grands. Waste a money I know - it is looking very sleek, will make amazing coffees for years but definitely a want than a need, scrap this impulsive idea from my head thanks :). Back to the topic, I also ordered the octopus sandwich which I know really good from the past, while Victor ordered mushroom sandwich and flat white. Had a good chat with him, caught up on what happening in our life, he's still working with Rhenus and enjoying work travels to Germany and Thailand every now and then, got engaged and bought his property in Singapore which I am really proud of him!

Saying goodbye again to Victor, he's leaving Melbourne today (bye! I will see you soon hopefully in Singapore next time) I go straight to Bastille day festival and start my volunteering shift. they gave all the volunteers this cute uniform and a red beret! I worked at the bar and I enjoyed it. We had mulled wine, and all French alcoholic drinks. Met some interesting people, getting myself involved in French community in Melbourne will hopefully help me to keep improving my French. my goal is by next year I will be able to understand and speak basic French to survive. Did not have time to had a look around the market but I feel so happy been able to meet these wonderfull people within French community. Then I finished the evening, had dinner at Menya - had Gyutan don (it costs me $23.50 now mind you, inflations really hit us when eating out). 

I will continue this blog tomorrow. it is past midnight now, I promise I will explain what happened on Sunday.

a bientot for now !

My first French lesson after years

Bonsoir!

I have just finished my first French class today. I feel good about this. meeting new people, learning new language (sort of new), especially after been to Paris last September, it becomes new experience again, and for sure, I can relate more!

I think I should have done this lesson earlier, before we actually went to Paris. But I am sure I will be back there again in the near future, and I hope I can communicate next time I am there!

I need to be more confident with my pronunciation and just speak..

I am sure if I am continuing this lesson until the end of the year, I will be good enough to be left alone in France and able to survive.

ok, I will try to post more next time. A demain, Bonne journee xx

Easter holiday update - 2023

 Good evening,

Hari ini Easter Monday, which means the last day of 4 day holiday. James' family is down at Aireys Inlet for the whole weekend, in the past years I always go with them as I was together with James. This year is different. the break-up really change things. I feel left out... but they are James' family, so I have no right to complains about it. We are not together anymore, so his family is not family anymore I guess - hard pill to swallow. Anyway, I am here at home with Auntie Anne, which I am grateful for having her here, opening her door to allow me to stay with her while I am sorting my life out.

I do feel better and better each day- not being sad or crying every hour anymore. I was believe it or not... crying and letting all my emotions out quite often. mainly on my drive to and from work, during my lunch break, at home before bed and/or when I wake up, when I check my phone and no news from James, and so on. It is quite ugly. breakup sucks. we learn from it and move on... easier said than done. I read online that accepting my emotions and feel it when it comes is the best way to get over breakup. I do think it works well for me. I am accepting the breakup and starting to understand and accepting myself. I am a complex human, my goal now is to study me, understand what I want in life, what I do and don't like, set goals (short and long term), and work on it. Practicing gratitude everyday - helps me a lot to give me a better perspective on where I am at. I was believing I am at the rock bottom of my life with the current situation, but there are still so many wonderful things around me that I am grateful for. Do not give up to life, I need to be resilient and work hard, seek the light in darkness, be positive, show the grit to the world and proof myself wrong, I can still be successful in life despite what happened in the past. What James think about me is not 100% my true reflection. it is what he saw in me, and he thinks that I am not enough for him. Which us as human beings, never satisfied to what we have, we always want more. Breakup is cruel. I will be back on my feet without James, and show him I can do much better than what he expected. This is also my motivation to get better.

I am starting to enjoy pilates and core exercises. Healthy eating for most of the time, but lately it is getting more difficult, as I have been eating croissants, white breads, hot chocolates, fried chicken this weekend. I feel guilty as. but my goal to be fit is still going. I want to be under 80 kg in less than 2 weeks. my favourite pilates classes is at coreplus, their hot pilates is the best so far. made me sweat like crazy and I felt sore after. I will do this class again soon. love it. I tried reformer at coreplus and KX as well but I dont think it is as challenging as the hot class. Next one is to try their hot classes again.

Talking about James, I do miss him. Have not been in meaningful contact with him for 48 days. he did emailed me a week back, saying that the ambulance cover already lapsed and he has renewed his membership only without my name on it. "you can renew the membership yourself if you want" he said. ok thanks but I think it is not necessary to reply.

I will wait until he message me first, something meaningful. An invitation for a conversation, hopefully soon. I think I am ready.

Lastly, this is exciting, I want to get a haircut! Probably highlight as well. I still want to keep my hair long, and highlight the hair lighter colour so it looks more interesting. maybe shaggy style or semi mullet with fringe. Not sure yet, but I want to get my hair cut in the next week or so.

ok it is getting late. good to write here again. see you soon.

xx

Ivan