Hello,
Another blog post with a big gap in between posts. Almost 8 years. Life has changed a lot in a way that it has not changed that much either. "Lost" has been a theme in my life in the past 7 years in every possible meaning of "lost" is. Please don't get me wrong, there are many high points as well in the past 7 years, but overall, my personal growth was stunt, compared how I expected it to be. I was not able to identify my own emotions and feelings. I was not able to communicate properly like an adult. When I am in difficult conversation, my reaction is to not to react, shut myself down and not being able to feel anything. Numb. The more I try, the stronger my reaction will be. I got frustrated with myself and the worse it get. Feeling numbness is not what I experienced before, this is a fairly recent emotion I discovered. Caused by recent traumas I experienced, from my parents/family. Saying coming out to my parents was a hellish experience is an understatement. I am still traumatised by this until this day (I came out in Feb 2016). I was not able to go back to Australia and basically I was caged my parents to do a conversion therapy. Similar experience then happened in 2019, when I visited Indonesia. I "lost" my passport. This time, I was not expected this to happen again. I learned to block my own feeling and emotion from these two experience. mainly from 2019. I learned to not feel anything. Just go with what they want. My feeling is not important for them, I will fulfil what they want me to do (in my mind). I then carry this emotion until 2023. This emotion I suppose one of the reason of my breakup/separation from my significant other. I do love him. so much, my heart hurting every single day since the separation. somedays it worse than other days. I did not want this separation.. might be a lie. Maybe I want the break from him.... to understand my own feeling toward him? To be able to appreciate what I have? either way, now I understand. This is the worst pain I have ever felt. But I do learn a lot from this painful experience. I wont suffer for too long. I am taking this experience as life lesson, to get myself better and better.
Believe it or not, I am 30 now. life goes really quickly, yet quite slowly these days. I miss my old life. my old self. I miss myself. I have lost the essence of Ivan, me, I lost my confidence, let myself go both mentally and physically. I became an avoidant person - I never thought I can be this way. I kept avoiding my personal issues, thinking it is too big to handle, just put them in the backburner and it will go away sooner or later. No. It never goes, just grew bigger and bigger, until I cannot handle it anymore.
Life is not what I expected it to be. I thought being with someone I love, someone special, partner for life (apparently not anymore) is going to fix any problem. No.
I miss my life. And I will get my life back. I will get myself back up and ready to face the world. I will get the body that I always wanted, be fit and get that abs shown. I will get myself to be a better communicator and have more compassion to others. I will love myself much more than before, before loving others to make sure I always have something to give my significant other. I will not lose myself in a relationship. I will argue to my partner if something does not align with my value. I will show my true self to my partner to make sure I feel loved as who I am, be vulnerable. I will let my partner to be vulnerable too, not judge him and be kind and empathetic, create the right environment.
I will continue tomorrow hopefully. Have a good night. I still have plenty things I want to talk about
ttyl.
Ivan
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