Good evening,
Hari ini Easter Monday, which means the last day of 4 day holiday. James' family is down at Aireys Inlet for the whole weekend, in the past years I always go with them as I was together with James. This year is different. the break-up really change things. I feel left out... but they are James' family, so I have no right to complains about it. We are not together anymore, so his family is not family anymore I guess - hard pill to swallow. Anyway, I am here at home with Auntie Anne, which I am grateful for having her here, opening her door to allow me to stay with her while I am sorting my life out.
I do feel better and better each day- not being sad or crying every hour anymore. I was believe it or not... crying and letting all my emotions out quite often. mainly on my drive to and from work, during my lunch break, at home before bed and/or when I wake up, when I check my phone and no news from James, and so on. It is quite ugly. breakup sucks. we learn from it and move on... easier said than done. I read online that accepting my emotions and feel it when it comes is the best way to get over breakup. I do think it works well for me. I am accepting the breakup and starting to understand and accepting myself. I am a complex human, my goal now is to study me, understand what I want in life, what I do and don't like, set goals (short and long term), and work on it. Practicing gratitude everyday - helps me a lot to give me a better perspective on where I am at. I was believing I am at the rock bottom of my life with the current situation, but there are still so many wonderful things around me that I am grateful for. Do not give up to life, I need to be resilient and work hard, seek the light in darkness, be positive, show the grit to the world and proof myself wrong, I can still be successful in life despite what happened in the past. What James think about me is not 100% my true reflection. it is what he saw in me, and he thinks that I am not enough for him. Which us as human beings, never satisfied to what we have, we always want more. Breakup is cruel. I will be back on my feet without James, and show him I can do much better than what he expected. This is also my motivation to get better.
I am starting to enjoy pilates and core exercises. Healthy eating for most of the time, but lately it is getting more difficult, as I have been eating croissants, white breads, hot chocolates, fried chicken this weekend. I feel guilty as. but my goal to be fit is still going. I want to be under 80 kg in less than 2 weeks. my favourite pilates classes is at coreplus, their hot pilates is the best so far. made me sweat like crazy and I felt sore after. I will do this class again soon. love it. I tried reformer at coreplus and KX as well but I dont think it is as challenging as the hot class. Next one is to try their hot classes again.
Talking about James, I do miss him. Have not been in meaningful contact with him for 48 days. he did emailed me a week back, saying that the ambulance cover already lapsed and he has renewed his membership only without my name on it. "you can renew the membership yourself if you want" he said. ok thanks but I think it is not necessary to reply.
I will wait until he message me first, something meaningful. An invitation for a conversation, hopefully soon. I think I am ready.
Lastly, this is exciting, I want to get a haircut! Probably highlight as well. I still want to keep my hair long, and highlight the hair lighter colour so it looks more interesting. maybe shaggy style or semi mullet with fringe. Not sure yet, but I want to get my hair cut in the next week or so.
ok it is getting late. good to write here again. see you soon.
xx
Ivan
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